


Operation Arborist

by ladymcgilvra



Category: Blackadder
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:34:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28150221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladymcgilvra/pseuds/ladymcgilvra
Summary: Captain Darling is, much to his displeasure, assigned to a mission with Blackadder. It's another one of the General's hare-brained notions, to investigate an aggressive tree...
Relationships: Edmund Blackadder/Kevin Darling
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Operation Arborist

**Author's Note:**

  * For [twoam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoam/gifts).



The massive double doors banged open, the noise reverberating around the room. He felt his eye twitch. Damn, he knew just who it was.

“You wanted me,  _ Darling _ ?”

He forced himself to look up, to glare at the insufferable man. Blackadder was slouching there, wearing his signature smirk.

“The General wanted to see you.” He felt the need to clarify, even though he knew it was playing into his hands, before adding the now customary “It’s Captain Darling to you, Blackadder.”

He ushered him towards the General’s desk, and within a few minutes the man himself joined them. Melchett was in fine form. As normal, he was blustering his way through a subject he knew nothing about and leaving Darling to fill in the details. He could see Blackadder’s understanding of the situation decreasing with every sentence, but finally, Melchett cut to the chase.

“Darling, fetch me the plates.”

He had prepared and merely had to pick up the aerial photographs from his own desk.

“Well man, what do you make of these?”

“Call me old-fashioned, sir, but it looks like pictures of a tree.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re showing me these pictures because..?”

When it became clear, there was no more information forthcoming, Darling sighed and weighed into the conversation.

“We have reports that this tree was observed shooting at our men during a raid last night.” With a sinking feeling, he noticed the glee on Blackadder’s face before he’d even finished speaking.

“I’m sorry, Darling, but are you quite alright?”

“I’m perfectly fine, thank you very much!”

Thankfully, Melchett picked up the thread again. A tree had been seen shooting at people. The officer who had made the report was well-respected. He didn’t seem to have gone insane, instead he had surmised that it was likely the Germans had come up with some clever mechanism.

“Let me get this straight,” Blackadder broke in, now obviously discomforted, “you want me to go out into no man’s land, risking life and limb, to investigate a suspicious bloody tree?”

“Yes! We can’t have bally trees shooting at the men. It’s bad for morale.”

“Understood. I won’t be able to do it alone though, I’ll need someone with an eye for detail, and I’m afraid none of my men are very good at that.”

Blackadder was staring at him. Oh no.

“Excellent idea!” Melchett bellowed. “Darling, you’re good at that sort of thing, you can go with him. You lucky sod!”

He felt his heart sinking.

“Yes, sir.”

Was this happening? Darling had asked himself that question many times throughout the afternoon, but now as he slogged across the debris-strewn hell-scape, the reality was inescapable. He tried not to look too hard at anything he was treading on as he strode, slipped, and scrambled onwards. Blackadder knew his way around a battlefield, that was obvious. Whenever the mud threatened to swallow Darling’s boots, Blackadder seemed to skim over the surface.

Without warning, the sky lit up as bright as day. A flare, damn the luck. He half leaped, half fell into the shell hole just in front of him, landing in an inelegant heap. Just in time, as machine gun fire rattled out across the landscape. Then he heard a curse. Crawling to the forward edge of the hole, he could see Blackadder sprawled face down not far away. Even later he could not say where he had found the courage to inch forward to drag his comrade back into the hole with him. He had never considered himself a brave man, and there was no love lost between them. 

But save him he did, and not a moment too soon. Another flare burst overhead, and bullets tore into the ground where he had been lying. He didn’t know how long they lay there afterwards, but it was until the shells stopped coming and his heart was no longer louder than the now distant fire.

“That was a close call,” he ventured. Blackadder said nothing.

They moved swiftly after that, until they were less than two dozen yards from the blasted tree. Gunfire once again drove them to their knees. As Darling went down, he felt a searing pain just below his knee. That couldn’t be good. He experimented with trying to move his leg, but the pain just got worse.

It wasn’t until Blackadder got up to continue that he gave up trying to free himself and called out. 

“Wonderful. And I suppose you need my help?”

Despite the sarcastic tone, it didn’t feel as if there was the usual vitriol behind his words. It took a few minutes to free him; it was too dark to see, and he had to concentrate to keep from crying out at the pain. When he had finished, Blackadder climbed back out without a word, and made a beeline for the tree. Darling followed, his heart still pounding in his ears and, much to his surprise, still alive.

Dawn was breaking by the time they reached the tree. Not a moment too soon, as being out in no man’s land during daylight was nothing short of suicidal. Without warning, Blackadder disappeared. Darling crept closer and peered into a damp trench.

“Are you okay?”

“Just wonderful,” came the reply, “I haven’t had this much fun since that shell hit the latrines.”

Darling dropped into the trench and offered him a hand up. After some hesitation he accepted it, and as it stood it became apparent, it had soaked his uniform through. He glowered at the tree.

“Well, there it is, a dead tree. We should go back.”

“You know we can’t do that, not until night time. We should inspect it, just to be thorough, and then we can see if we can make a fire to dry you by,” he gestured towards the remains of planks lining the narrow passage. The bottoms had rotted away, but what remained looked like they might take.

He ignored Blackadder’s scowl and took another look at the tree. From a distance it had looked like any other dead tree, a tall trunk with a few shattered branches standing alone in the devastation. But up close, it looked wrong. He wasn’t sure how or why, but there was something off about it. He moved nearer.

“Say, Blackadder?”

“What is it now, Darling?”

“Trees, do they normally have small doors at the bottom?”

“Have you gone insane? Of course they bloody well don’t.”

“I thought so, can you check that I’m not hallucinating?”

Blackadder ambled over, his eyes glittering like they did when he was about to be sarcastic. He stopped short and subjected the low door to intense scrutiny.

“My sister used to claim fairies lived in the tree at the bottom of the garden,” Darling offered.

“Well, unless this fairy is 6ft tall, wears a pickelhaube and answers to Fritz...”

Blackadder sighed and prized the door open. Between them it took only a few minutes, and then he very slowly poked his head inside. Once he, presumably, assured himself it was empty, he pulled the rest of himself inside. Darling weighed his options and then realised he was better off being inside and followed him.

It was dark. The contrast with even the weak dawn light outside was stark. And it was too small. There wasn’t nearly enough room for two grown men to stand without touching one another. He found he was acutely aware of every point at which his body touched Blackadder’s. To his horror, his body reacted to the closeness. It must just be that it had been far too long since someone, anyone, had touched him. Surely that was it? He couldn’t like Blackadder, the man was infuriating and there had been plenty of nights where he couldn’t sleep because of something annoying he had said.

It would be just like Blackadder to say something disparaging right now, but he just looked at him, his expression unreadable, before glancing upwards.

“There’s a ladder, I’m going to head up to see what’s at the top. Maybe strip down and hang my clothes to dry too.”

He did not trust himself to speak yet, so he nodded. With relief he didn’t think to conceal, he let out a sigh as the other man moved away. A moment too late, he realised that had been a mistake.

As the day wore on, the sun rose and lit the interior to the level of evening candlelight. They worked on investigating everything they could about the unusual structure, and Darling had worked equally hard on not staring at Blackadder in his underwear. All his outer clothes were hanging haphazardly near the top to dry them. Darling had offered his coat, but it had proved too narrow around the chest. He also surprised him with a talent for description and detail that were so different from his usual sarcastic put downs. He rather got the impression that he had impressed Blackadder with his small sketches. While he was no artist, he had always had a knack for technical drawings.

By midday they had gone over almost every inch of the place. It looked like they made it of iron, perfectly replicating an actual tree that had been on the site. An observation post. It looked out both ways over no man’s land, an enviable vantage point. He was trying to figure out how he could get some sleep when Blackadder called down. Perched on the seat at the top of the ladder, he wanted him to come look at something.

It wasn’t without trepidation that he made his way up the narrow ladder. He was sure Blackadder had noticed his not infrequent sighs and furtive glances. What was wrong with him? He pushed every bit of his waning energy into concentrating on what was being said. The two sets of holes were different? Yes, that’s right, one was markedly less well finished. 

He had a lovely mustache, made one want to reach out and stroke it.

“Darling! Have you heard anything I've said?”

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Really, Darling. Try to concentrate for a little longer.”

He tried, he really did. After several attempts to explain, Blackadder snapped at him, and all but ordered him to look out of the spy holes behind him. He complied, and that was when it finally dawned on him what he had been trying to tell him. The original spy holes pointed towards the German lines, their own side must have erected the disguised observation post.

“That damned idiot, sending us on a wild goose chase.”

He turned to agree, but the words died on his tongue. Mere inches separated their faces, and he was almost straddling Blackadder. Heat flooded his body, burning his cheeks and pooling between his legs. Panicked, he tore away backwards, but the other man grabbed him, stopping him short.

“Don’t be an idiot! You’ll fall, and I’m not carrying you all the way back.”

He nodded, his neck stiff with tension.

“How long has it been?”

“How long since what?”

“Since you had a woman.”

“That’s none of your business. I have a girlfriend back home and,”

“And I’ll bet you’ve been faithful to her. No local girls?”

“Of course not!”

“There’s many reasons men take comfort in each other in this godforsaken place, I suppose that is as valid as any other.” 

Without warning, he reached out and gripped the back of Darling’s neck, pulling him forward into a kiss. Breathless, his pulse hammered in his ears as he parted his lips in acceptance. He eagerly explored the planes of the other man’s chest, revelling in every breathy moan he brought forth.

He hesitated, before sliding his hands downwards. Slow, gentle, he was fearful of ruining the moment, but it seemed Blackadder wanted this as much as he did. He pushed up against his hand, his hardness banishing any doubts. Abruptly, he broke the kiss and Darling gazed into hazy brown eyes, at flushed cheeks and swollen lips.

Blackadder’s breathing was fast as his fingers worked to free Darling from his breeches. The sudden sensation of fingers on his sensitive flesh was almost enough to send him into a tailspin. It took all his self-control to right himself, before he was sent spiralling again. He came undone as Blackadder’s powerful hands set a fast pace and, when it was done, he laid his head on his shoulder, breathless and spent. He was dimly aware of muscular arms holding him as he drifted into an exhausted sleep.

He woke at dusk, feeling well rested. Neither man said anything as they untangled themselves, and it surprised Darling that they hadn’t fallen and come to in a broken heap. Strange to think it was the safest he’d felt in a long time. They began their trek back to the trenches in companionable silence. The going was no better than it had been on the way out, all sucking mud and shell holds. And, of course, the ever present stench of death. Mercifully, the Germans were concentrating their fire this time, yet he didn’t allow himself to relax until he could see the dim light hovering over the trench.

“Thank God that’s over,” he said as he got to his feet.

“HALT!”

His blood ran cold as he stared down the muzzle of a rifle.

“Wait a minute,”

“Shut up and put your hands where I can see them. Deserter or spy?”

“I’m not,” Darling was panicking.

“I said SHUT UP!”

It seemed like an eternity that he stood there. Ironic that he’d survived the last day only to for their own side to kill them. Where in damnation was Blackadder?

He heard him before he saw him, and relief flooded through him. Ice cold fear replaced it as Blackadder’s words registered. He was telling the men that Darling was a spy he’d captured. Thanking them from preventing him from getting away. Then he left.

The bastard had sold him out.

Darling spent a miserable time trussed up and dumped on the filthy footboards in a musty dugout. Every so often the hulking sergeant would stick his head in and gleefully remind him they were going to shoot him. It didn’t matter how many times he protested; they didn’t seem to care. At one point, he’d pushed through and tried to tell them who he was. They’d laughed in his face, told him that ‘Captain Darling was a sanctimonious prick who wouldn’t be seen dead covered in that much filth.’ By the time they came to drag him outside, he was despondent.

Instead of taking him to an isolated spot, as he had expected, they hauled him to a waiting car. Blackadder was lounging against the side, wearing a smug smile. They bundled him into the car, the doors shut, and they were off.

Several minutes into the drive, he ventured to ask where they were going.

“HQ, of course. Where else?”

“Why?”

“We need to report, and you need to get to bed, don’t you?”

“No! What was all that about? Did you just have to humiliate me? And can you bloody untie me, I’m damned uncomfortable.”

Blackadder gave a deep sigh.

“Look, I’ve served with plenty of men like that sergeant before. Once he’d decided you were the enemy, there will have been no dissuading him. I figured this was the best way to get us both out alive, though given our past I wouldn’t blame you for not believing me.”

Darling gave it some thought as he rubbed some life back into his arms. Was Blackadder telling the truth?

“What do you mean, man?” Melchett demanded.

“It wasn’t a tree,” Blackadder repeated, although it was clear his patience was wearing thin, “it was an observation post disguised as a tree.”

“Fiendish, those Jerries with their sneaking about and deception.”

Darling wandered over to the map board to confirm their suspicions.

“Sir,” he broke in, “this was ours. It was on our forward line before they pushed us back earlier this year. It looks like the Germans reused it.” Blackadder shot him a grateful look.

“What marvellous contraptions our engineers come up with.”

“Indeed, sir.”

“Glad that’s sorted. Dismissed.”

So that was it? They had risked their lives for a ‘glad that’s sorted’? A glance at Blackadder suggested he looked like he was going to object, but he knew they were both far too tired.

“If you’d follow me, Blackadder?”

He strode out without looking back. There was no point in looking foolish if he was walking alone. He was alone, wasn’t he? No reason he’d follow. Their encounter earlier had probably been an aberration. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door to his room and waited before turning to shut the door.

Blackadder was right behind him. Darling let out a very unmanly squeak, which was rewarded with a broad grin.

“You wanted me, Darling?”


End file.
